Sad teen girl on a bench in the park. Single girl outdoor. Lonely sad girl
“They don’t want to change. They want to live up to the idea of being gifted.”
That line echoed in my head after a coaching session with a teen I’ll call Aiden. Bright, intense, thoughtful. But also anxious, rigid, and quietly unraveling. He had tears in his eyes but refused to let them fall. “If I stop being gifted,” he told me, “then what’s left of me?”
Let that sink in.
Gifted kids don’t just struggle with the world. They struggle with the idea of themselves.
And sometimes, the most dangerous part of that struggle is the belief they must remain exceptional to be worthy.
When Identity Becomes an Expectation
Giftedness isn’t just a label for many teens—it’s a survival strategy. It’s the thing they were praised for. The reason they got noticed. The spark that made them feel special in a world that often felt too loud, too boring, too fake.
So they cling to it.
Even when it hurts.
Even when the version of “gifted” they’re chasing is based on old test scores, outdated praise, or a perfectionism that won’t let them breathe.
It becomes a performance they can never leave.
Because here’s the twist: to grow, we have to be willing to become someone new. But for many gifted teens, becomingfeels like betraying.
They don’t want to abandon the gifted kid. They want to resurrect them. But that version might not even exist anymore—or never fully did.
The Game You Can’t Win
Living up to potential sounds noble. But when “potential” becomes a ceiling you can never reach, you’re locked in a loop.
- If you succeed, it’s just what was expected.
- If you fall short, you feel like a failure.
No celebration. No grace. No space to just be.
This is why even partial success can feel like failure to gifted teens. Because it’s not about the outcome—it’s about the identity. And when the identity says, “You’re only good if you’re brilliant,” then anything less becomes unbearable.
And the real tragedy? They’re not chasing joy. They’re chasing legitimacy.
Why This Hurts So Deeply
Unlike teens who are allowed to evolve, mess up, rebuild, and redefine themselves, gifted teens often feel like they have to preserve an old version of themselves to stay lovable.
Even if that version is breaking them.
I’ve coached teens who stay in AP classes just to protect the image.
Who hide their depression because smart kids aren’t supposed to feel this way.
Who overperform and under-rest because gifted means go, go, go.
But strength doesn’t come from preserving a label. It comes from knowing who you are underneath it.
What Can We Do Instead?
If you’re parenting or coaching a gifted teen, here are a few mindset shifts that matter:
1. Let giftedness be a trait, not an identity.
Say: “You have gifts. But who you are is bigger than any label.”
2. Celebrate effort, rest, and resilience more than outcomes.
Affirm: “I’m proud of how you handled that disappointment” instead of just “I’m proud you got an A.”
3. Make space for identity shifts.
Gifted teens often reinvent themselves as they grow. Normalize that.
4. Model your own evolution.
Talk about times you let go of an identity that no longer served you.
Final Thought: What If Who You Are Is Already Enough?
You can’t grow if you’re busy trying to prove you haven’t changed.
Giftedness is not a character you play. It’s a part of your story. But the story gets better when you’re free to explore new chapters.
So to the gifted teen reading this—or the parent who sees their younger self in their child:
You don’t have to live up to a falsity.
You just have to live.
And you are more than enough for that.
If this brought something up for you or your family, just know: you’re not alone. At VK Circle, I help gifted teens and overwhelmed parents reconnect with the truth beneath the labels. When you’re ready, I’m here.
A certified Heal Your Life® Coach with 20+ years in education and emotional development. Supports gifted teens in navigating anxiety, perfectionism, and identity challenges, while equipping parents with practical tools for lasting transformation. Sessions blend emotional healing, mindset mastery, and strategic empowerment.
